Open letter to the Staples Company

Dearest Staples Company;

I have recently purchased the "memo holder" from you. It's the cute little egg shaped type paper holder, which was supposed to make my work day/typing life easier and more organized.

Unfortunately, the Staples Memo Holder is the most ill-conceived, badly designed, useless piece of plastic I’ve had the bad luck of purchasing. It will hold a sticky note in a somewhat upright manner, but that’s about it. I can sticky a sticky note to my cube wall, no need for a memo holder.

The reason I write is not to amuse you with my witty meanderings, but to take out the frustration of my less productive, less organized work day angst on the company that has supplied me with this useless desk decoration. Please understand, my memo holder is simply the final straw in an already long line of Staples brand mishaps. I already have to fight with my Staples brand stapler (Seriously, how ironic is THAT?) The Staples brand tape I purchased constantly rips in odd ways, making me have to go through fits of anger while trying to peel it off the roll correctly, and now this. “The Memo Holder of Suckiness” (I used a name brand sticky note to label it that so other co-workers wouldn’t inadvertently purchase one of these. I would have used my Staples brand sticky notes, but they would have fallen off instantly)

So, other than taking up some of my downtime, I felt the need to email you about how disappointed I am in Staples since most stores put out their own name brand you can expect the quality of said item to be fairly close to the name brand, but it seems to me that Staples has definitely missed the mark. I’m unsure if perhaps you’ve farmed out the manufacturing of your “Staples Brand” to a third world country and required the workers there to have frontal lobotomies before entering your factory, or if maybe you’ve started some odd work release program for Jerry Springer guests to be able to make a few bucks and buy a new tooth, or if it is simply that I’ve had the unfortunate luck of purchasing the ONLY badly made products you’ve put out (highly doubtful).

Either way, I’m out roughly $4.00 and have this small black plastic thing sitting on my desk mocking my need for a suitable office product that would hold my paper up while I type. (It does mock me, by the way. Its smarmy little plastic face sneers at me each time I try once again to make it do it’s job… I’ll eventually toss it out my window and let it brave the world alone).

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UPDATE: I've had a reply from Staples, and although I'm still angry at the damn Memo Holder of Suckiness, I'm impressed with the fast response and obvious customer satisfaction attempt.

Hello Jenna,

I am very sorry to hear you are unhappy with several of our Staples Brand Products. Rest assured we take our customers feedback very seriously. So much so, that I have sent you feedback to our Quality team and our Product Development team.

I am also quite surprised you have to fight with your Staples Stapler. We have received numerous positive comments from customer on our Stapler. I would love to hear your feedback on why you are fighting with it. Perhaps we can assist you.

Because of your frustration level I am sending you out a coupon for 25.00. I also would like to apologize to you on behalf of Staples. You should receive it within 7 days Jenna.

Thank you also for the witty yet informative feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

If you need further assistance please feel free to contact us again and refer to case ID ######. We are open from 8am-8pm Mon-Fri EST.

Regards,
Staples Brand Product Support

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My response back:

Hello Staples Brand Product Support person,

I must say I really do appreciate your prompt assistance and your generous compensation.

The stapler seems to never quite complete the job. It staples, but they're not firmly stapled. The papers seem to be loosely held together and of course the metal ends are sharp and jabby. I grab my much needed stapled paperwork to dash off to my boss's office and end up arriving there with small stabby marks, making it seem as if I've had a run in with a very small vampire on my way. (I briefly considered using my puncture wounds as a means to gain some workman's compensation, but I assume I'd also have to produce the small offending vampire, which may prove difficult).

Anyway, attached you'll find that someone else has also answered case ID 119591. Since I simply had written to vent frustration, not for financial gain, I felt I should let you know that another offer of compensation was made. I could, of course, see if I could get both offers conjoined into one, but that may be pushing it. No one's quite that witty.

Again, thank you for replying and for the gift certificate. A few minutes of my time pointing out a flaw and I have the option of perhaps finding a different memo holder at one of your stores that will not mock my organizational needs. That was easy!