Someone is responsible

Just a useless rant about something that is beyond my control at the moment;

There are times when I need to be able to call someone and totally bitch them out about the state of the weather.

"Goddammit! Having bad weather during my damn vacation (first one in two years, btw) is totally unacceptable! You've really screwed up this time! Get this fixed ASAP or so help me....! "

Honestly....Supreme weather weenie.... Why you felt the need to fuck up my vacation plans (you know, the ones where I said for once I'm going to sit and do nothing, not worry about work, not worry about the kid, not give into my OCD like cleaning compulsion and simply sit in the sun by a lake for an entire week) you suck. Seriously seriously suck. With a capitol SUCK. Suck more than anyone else has sucked in a very very long time.

Sometimes it would be nice to have the option to bitch someone out for things beyond my control, or even for things totally within my control that I simply dropped the ball on. Like the days that I've made serious wardrobe errors early in the morning, which resulted in my legs freezing because I thought it 'looked warm' so I wore a skirt... but it ends up being 2 degrees out and for the entire day I have perma-goosbumps making me look like I have some odd skin disorder. Being able to point the finger at someone and rol my eyes would be really cathartic.

*sigh* Anyway, I'm on vacation. Sitting in a cute little lake house with my husband, daughter, two cats and various and assorted teens that drop by while gazing longingly at the lake, which happens to be freezing and is simply not all that picturesque when it's gray as hell out.

meh.

Open letter to the Staples Company

Dearest Staples Company;

I have recently purchased the "memo holder" from you. It's the cute little egg shaped type paper holder, which was supposed to make my work day/typing life easier and more organized.

Unfortunately, the Staples Memo Holder is the most ill-conceived, badly designed, useless piece of plastic I’ve had the bad luck of purchasing. It will hold a sticky note in a somewhat upright manner, but that’s about it. I can sticky a sticky note to my cube wall, no need for a memo holder.

The reason I write is not to amuse you with my witty meanderings, but to take out the frustration of my less productive, less organized work day angst on the company that has supplied me with this useless desk decoration. Please understand, my memo holder is simply the final straw in an already long line of Staples brand mishaps. I already have to fight with my Staples brand stapler (Seriously, how ironic is THAT?) The Staples brand tape I purchased constantly rips in odd ways, making me have to go through fits of anger while trying to peel it off the roll correctly, and now this. “The Memo Holder of Suckiness” (I used a name brand sticky note to label it that so other co-workers wouldn’t inadvertently purchase one of these. I would have used my Staples brand sticky notes, but they would have fallen off instantly)

So, other than taking up some of my downtime, I felt the need to email you about how disappointed I am in Staples since most stores put out their own name brand you can expect the quality of said item to be fairly close to the name brand, but it seems to me that Staples has definitely missed the mark. I’m unsure if perhaps you’ve farmed out the manufacturing of your “Staples Brand” to a third world country and required the workers there to have frontal lobotomies before entering your factory, or if maybe you’ve started some odd work release program for Jerry Springer guests to be able to make a few bucks and buy a new tooth, or if it is simply that I’ve had the unfortunate luck of purchasing the ONLY badly made products you’ve put out (highly doubtful).

Either way, I’m out roughly $4.00 and have this small black plastic thing sitting on my desk mocking my need for a suitable office product that would hold my paper up while I type. (It does mock me, by the way. Its smarmy little plastic face sneers at me each time I try once again to make it do it’s job… I’ll eventually toss it out my window and let it brave the world alone).

_______________________________________________________

UPDATE: I've had a reply from Staples, and although I'm still angry at the damn Memo Holder of Suckiness, I'm impressed with the fast response and obvious customer satisfaction attempt.

Hello Jenna,

I am very sorry to hear you are unhappy with several of our Staples Brand Products. Rest assured we take our customers feedback very seriously. So much so, that I have sent you feedback to our Quality team and our Product Development team.

I am also quite surprised you have to fight with your Staples Stapler. We have received numerous positive comments from customer on our Stapler. I would love to hear your feedback on why you are fighting with it. Perhaps we can assist you.

Because of your frustration level I am sending you out a coupon for 25.00. I also would like to apologize to you on behalf of Staples. You should receive it within 7 days Jenna.

Thank you also for the witty yet informative feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

If you need further assistance please feel free to contact us again and refer to case ID ######. We are open from 8am-8pm Mon-Fri EST.

Regards,
Staples Brand Product Support

_______________________________________________________

My response back:

Hello Staples Brand Product Support person,

I must say I really do appreciate your prompt assistance and your generous compensation.

The stapler seems to never quite complete the job. It staples, but they're not firmly stapled. The papers seem to be loosely held together and of course the metal ends are sharp and jabby. I grab my much needed stapled paperwork to dash off to my boss's office and end up arriving there with small stabby marks, making it seem as if I've had a run in with a very small vampire on my way. (I briefly considered using my puncture wounds as a means to gain some workman's compensation, but I assume I'd also have to produce the small offending vampire, which may prove difficult).

Anyway, attached you'll find that someone else has also answered case ID 119591. Since I simply had written to vent frustration, not for financial gain, I felt I should let you know that another offer of compensation was made. I could, of course, see if I could get both offers conjoined into one, but that may be pushing it. No one's quite that witty.

Again, thank you for replying and for the gift certificate. A few minutes of my time pointing out a flaw and I have the option of perhaps finding a different memo holder at one of your stores that will not mock my organizational needs. That was easy!

Thank you CraigsList

RE: Otterman for Sale - $1

Reply to: sale-581164014@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-20, 10:42PM EST

Otterman for sale

Green otterman for sale. 38Lx30Wx18H. This otterman is in very good shape. I'm selling this only because it doesn't match my new living room set. Best reasonable offer take it. Call 603-

* This item has been posted by-owner.
* Location: Chester,NH
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

No one knows how he was caught... that elusive Otterman. Some say he's a legend. Not real. Others say he's best friends with Bigfoot and has had several play dates with the Locheness monster. Either way, he has not been seen for years and thought extinct.

But now, NOW we KNOW!(and knowing is half the battle) He's being held captive in Chester NH!

BEWARE!!! Beware the creature of the cute little face and fearsome cracking of clams on the belly .... Beware of the OTTERMAN!

eeeep!!!!

___________

Thank you for the endless amusement I get from reading the posts there... as well as from posting replies. Oh yes, I know I'm not supposed to reply in the for sale area, but I simply cannot help myself.

Yes... YET another Craigslist Asshat.

So... as I'm perusing Craigslist this morning I see a post for a wall hanging that I've looked at in Ikea several times.

I've only looked since I really want a picture this size, but I want one of Houston TX, not NYC. Plus, the $199.00 price tag for something I don't totally want is a bit more than I'm willing to spend.


I figured "Cool! I'll get it cheaper and be happy with it!" ...HA!

The individual that seems to think that they can pull one over on a huge multitude of people listed the $199 picture at $300!

Since I happen to KNOW it's $199, I email the mouth-breather who posted it up.. basically saying wtf.

SO.. this weeks "Craigslist Ass-hat Award" goes to the lovely participant who, when I emailed asking WHY she was trying to scam people responded with a well thought out, highly intelligent reply:

"its supposed to say 200

and how would u know what it cost"

Um. It's called the Internet, Captain Obvious. Seriously, you (Or should I say "u") laboriously lame imbecile! Did you honestly think that NO one may have seen that particular item?? As if you purchased this in the far off, foreign land of "Stoughton Mass" and no one would ever know you were trying to pull a fast one? It's Ikea, you dolt! The reason the store is so popular is because *gasp* people GO there!

By the way... it says $300... Not $200 (which is STILL a dollar OVER what you paid!! Dumb ass!)

Sweet tap-dancing Christ. Seriously... the stupidity of people never ceases to astound me.

You, dear CL poster, are a total and complete ass-hat. Congrats.

As a side note:

Resumes.

Don't send a resume that is chock-full of typographical errors and.... well.... stupidity. Please.

First off, I've found this nifty program called "Spell Check". It is widely available, and I'm betting that whatever you're using to write your resume probably comes equipped with said proggy.

Use it. Use it again. Use it again and then maybe try one more time. Then print out the resume and check every single word. Hand your resume to your neighbor, ask them to read and correct it. A passing police man? Yes, hand it to them to. The bag-boy at your local supermarket? No. Don't hand it to him. He's bagging groceries and probably not all that bright.

If you don't do that and send your resume in with errors? Please understand that you WILL be mocked... viciously. We do read them. We do pass them about and make nasty comments about just how much of a mouth-breather you really are. We do. Honestly. Do you WANT to know that an entire company is pointing and laughing at what you've written down about your entire working life? No. That would be too much to bear and in the end you'd probably rather staple your upper lip to your forehead.

SO... use spell check/grammar check for fucks sake.

Walgreens Celebrates Black History Month...

... sort of? - Honestly... Maybe I'm reading something into this simply because I tend to be slightly warped, but cotton balls is how Walgreens celebrates Black history month?? Are they trying to say "Good job on that whole being black thing! Here's some cotton that wasn't picked by slaves!"??

It's driving me nuts. I so want to know if the person that put that sign up was snickering the entire time, or if they simply were incredibly dense.

So eh... Happy Black History month... swab your face or dab some ointment on or whatever it is you do for celebration. At least they didn't put the sign over a display of fried chicken and Maddog.

Just sayin'...

An open letter to...erm... Everyone.

People, I am begging you to spend some time perusing the closest thesaurus, dictionary, encyclopedia or perhaps a few "Dixie Cups" to find some new words. Here are the things people say that seriously irritate me and I feel the need to spout off about.

"My Bad" ... STOP IT! It's not cute or funny. Its ignorant.

"Ghetto" ... To anyone under the age of 30... not everything is "ghetto." Cease and desist immediately with describing everything that is of middling or poor quality as being "ghetto." Ignoring the fact that it is mildly offensive, it is also indicative of lazy thinking. It isn't really a good metaphor. Or kenning, as the case may be. . Or may I suggest using it sparingly if you simply cannot help yourself.

"I could care less" ... Repeat that statement in your head a few times and think about it. Go ahead... I'll wait. . . . . . . . . . Are you comprehending this? If you are attempting to show your disdain for someone or some thing, saying you COULD care less does not quite hit the mark. Think before you speak.

"Irregardless" ... Seriously. Think for yourselves. Yes, you may have heard this word being bandied about, but this does not mean you need to use it in conversation as well. It's not truly a word. It's not a word that makes any sense if you break it down to its true forms. It is an un-word. Don't use it. Seriously. I will slap you with something large, ouchy and bappy if you feel the need to try and use this pompous sounding word in my presence.

Trust me... there's more, but I have to get ready for work.

Another day, another Grammatical issue I despise...

Your vs. You're. This pisses me off. I'm not kidding. "You're" is basically You Are. "Your" is "That belongs to you". SO ... class... If you want to, say, go on a forum and tell people you dislike them because their mental aptitude is sub-par.... saying "Your all a bunch of idiots! You should get you're heads examined!" is bad. Bad poster, Bad Poster!! *slaps you with a newspaper*